Aaaaargh!

It sucks to feel unwanted. It. Just. Sucks.

I admit that I have never been one of those persons with a high self-image. The only area where I consider myself to be good is writing; I pride over my skills as a writer. But when other aspects of your life give you the impression that you are not worth their time, it feels like crap. And I have been feeling like crap for the past few days.

You know something’s wrong with you when things don’t go your way both personally and professionally. You know that something must be wrong somewhere, and if you are me, you are bound to come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with yourself. Things have been such a downward spiral lately, giving me the feeling that I am just going through the mechanics of life; that I am somehow disconnected from myself and someone else is holding the reins. It is scary; really, really scary. I haven’t felt like this in a long time and the last time I felt like this, the outcome wasn’t nice.

Keeping that in mind, I try getting out of the funk that I find myself in, only to get dragged back in. Kudos to Saveri for trying, and succeeding, to lift my mood last night; but as news keeps pouring in, I keep getting fucked. All I want to do is scream… and scream so hard that my lungs run out of air. After that is accomplished, I want to just break down, let go of the façade that I’ve been holding together for such the past few days. It fucking hurts so much!

Rationally, I know that my insecurities aren’t true. I have so many good people around me; friends, who keep reiterating that I am good enough and that I need to reconsider how I perceive myself. But, on the other hand, I am failing miserably in my personal and professional life (not classes – those are going great and, according to two of my professors, I am doing awesome. It is extra-curricular, something that I have always prided myself in). It only reinforces the belief that I am not good enough.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had rejection in the past and have taken it quite well. But all of those have come with accompanying success in other venues, balancing the rejection. Lately, though, it has been a deluge of rejections. I know that there are people better than me out there, but am I not better than anyone in at least one field?

I hate feeling like this. It is not in my nature to sulk and pine over things, and yet, I find myself doing exactly that these past few days. I seriously don’t know what to do ‘cause it feels like I no longer have control over what I am doing.

I better stop before I make a mess all over my laptop, and of myself.

Ciao

Bikram